Dungeons & Dragons Horoscope: Volume I
Logic and reason are your enemies, trust only in your mighty Rage. A decision you make this week will determine the fate of your party, though it’s nothing you can’t smash your way through. Remember that every barrier you face can be leveled with a big enough hammer, so don’t stop swinging, no matter what! Why are you still reading? Smash! Smash! SMASH!! Beware of Divine Casters, especially of Chaotic Deities.
You may be tempted this week to shift alignment, but now is not the right time! Those chaotic leanings you’re feeling are natural, and not something to be feared… yet. Remember that the art you express is not just for yourself, but for the benefit of those who experience it. So make sure they experience it, for their own good! Beware of falling objects, especially when performing, the gods have their eye on you!
Now is a good time to finally put points in your Knowledge: Religion Skill and stop faking it. Sooner or later that meddlesome Paladin is going to figure out you never actually attended seminary, so it’s time to build a better lie. You may experience the feeling of being trapped, so be extra kind to the Rogues in your life in the coming days. Beware of horses, especially Paladin Mounts, they know too much and are plotting against you.
You’re the best thing that has ever happened to your party, and it’s time they knew it! Remind your friends of this, and make sure you claim what’s yours when the party divides up any loot acquired this week. Beware of sentient plant life, they still haven’t forgiven you for what happened last week. Best to carry a few extra Goodberries when you head into trouble, or at least some Neutralberries.
You may be feeling a flash of vanity this week, but don’t be concerned! Remember that you Charisma Score is low for a reason, and to not get hung up on such petty details. Have an honest respect for yourself, and when the opportunity presents itself, remind others why you should be respected. Beware of Bards in the coming days, and make an effort to drown out any singing they force your way!
Certainty is an enemy of all sentient beings, do your part to remove any certainty from your party! Now is the time to go out on limbs, try new tactics, and trust your gut. Be open to new information, but be prompt to disregard it and run in any other direction. Beware of Cursed Items, in fact, just to be safe, presume every item you see this week is Cursed. You’ll thank the gods later that you did!
It’s good to remember that there is a time and a place for harsh criticism, and that’s exactly why your Deity put you here! Your party may not like to hear what you have to say, but don’t let that stop you. Do whatever is necessary to get it through their heads, your god wills it! Beware of any Druids you interact with, they’re going to try and get a little too friendly with your steed, best to stop that before it starts.
You may have noticed that some of your party members have been narrow-minded as of late. Don’t let their limited scope ruin your week! Take extra measures to ensure that your party sees the world they’ve been missing. They may resist at first, so don’t be dissuaded! Now is the time to expand their horizons, whether they like it or not! Beware of odd numbered treasures in the coming days, try to keep everything even.
It’s important to remember to laugh this week, so keep your focus on the lighter side of your adventurers. Don’t let your party drag you down with the gravity of “world shattering” or “kingdom ruining” talk. Now is the right time to remind your friends that even calamities can be taken more lightly, so lead by example! Beware of Clerics in the coming days, they may be asking you for unwarranted favors.
There is a deep power slumbering within you, the time has come to let it out! Don’t heed any of the words of caution your friends keep hurling your direction. Words like “reckless” and “irresponsible” carry no meaning for you in the coming week. Now is the time to let your inner light shine, even if it eclipses those around you. Beware of other Arcane Casters that will try to steal your thunder, don’t let them!
Certain aspects of your life are more complex than your party realizes, knowing that it can be hard to know where to focus right now. Therefore, let your Arcane Focus be your guide! Magic is the answer to all of the problems you face in the coming week, both big and small. Beware of anyone who suggests you solve a dilemma by non-magical means, now is the time to remind them what Eldritch Invocations can do.
You could obsess over personal matters an improving yourself, but why when that energy is ripe to apply in obsessing over your party. The only people who don’t like a micromanager are the ones who need direction the most, and you have the drive and momentum this week to give them that clarity! Beware anyone that fails to respect the wisdom of your decisive actions in the coming days, and remind them to respond appropriately and to respect your abilities!